his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
