Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize