what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
