im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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