trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Is it penis luge time yet?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
