U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
