so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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