Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I think a kid would responsible me up
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
