Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
