it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
