were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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