The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
