T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I don't deserve a penis
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
