Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
