I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize