I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
