My room smells like vodka and shame
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
