Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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