The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
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