i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
