My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize