ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Randomize
