I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
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