she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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