I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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