new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Randomize
