A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
