I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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