I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Randomize
