yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize