omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
