This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
