Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
