i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize