no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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