you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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