I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I am midnight drunk by noon
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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