hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
