every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize