Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
that is very illegal...i love you.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
