There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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