1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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