2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
