awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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