Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
