and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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