Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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