never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
