Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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