mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Randomize
