if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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