We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
