The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
