Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
