why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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