Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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