I'm lost and stupid without you.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
