Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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