You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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