He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
