um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
