what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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