how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
