we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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